adulting

Real Girl Diaries | Ep 1

Jan 6^th, 2023

*Capturing the realness behind new beginnings*

I am attempting this cycle of journaling once again. You might ask me how do you know if it will stick this time. I don’t.

But what I know is that I have lost myself. I can no longer separate my thoughts, wants and perceptions from the others. I have become a deeply warmed sponge cake just intermittently soaking in the syrup of other people’s voices and opinions. It’s getting unhealthy for me. Whether is it is love, validation, direction, life plans.

I cannot hear my own voice and that is a very unsettling feeling. All I have are constant intense feelings that are waiting to be shaken and decanted. My therapist jokingly calls my brain, “Khichdi” that needs to be separated to find the kernels of rice, the dal, and the spices. I am one catastrophic mess.

I keep wondering when and where did I lose myself again, especially when I had put in the work to be more integrated person. There used to be a point where I cared about my needs and it was first priority. I had abandoned the molds of the crowd and listened to myself. I am not just desperate; I am scared because as an adult you realize the onus lies completely on you. So my word for this year has to be accountability.

Understanding that life is life but you have to understand that you are indirectly where you have put yourself. That is a completely hard pill to swallow because suddenly the blame game has to shift to self-reflection. And especially when your brain is khichdi, you rather run to something or someone else. But how long can I keep running before it catches up?

I have no choice but to stop

I have no choice but to breathe

I have no choice but to write.

Stranger

It has always been fascinating to see how a sea of random faces could be your go-to surf partners. Whenever I encounter a new face, there is always a lingering sense of excitement and potential for being more than just a passerby. I marvel at how faces hold such a diversity of emotions that you can’t help but want to peel back the layers to see what’s under. It might just be a taste developed for curiosity but I think it’s deeper than that. We all want to find similar people with the same wavelength. People who get the real you without you having to put on a facade. Everyone yearns for people who can chill with you in both the silence and the noise. But I also think that once, we have moved past a few such interactions, our search deviates. We find the need to look for people who are so different from you that it forces you to embrace learning in close quarters.

Why should we even be attracted to the alien? They unconsciously challenge your perspectives, force you to co-exist and give you no choice but to evolve. This is the kind of learning I desire once in a while because it forces me out of my comfort zone, into the bustling street. I have to dive and duck and ultimately learn to navigate these foreign streets. I have to learn to speak a new language and in this way I automatically become a holder of a multiplicity of human experiences. What I am trying to say essentially is to not be afraid of polarity. It’s a risk worth taking. It is akin to the experience of tasting new cuisines, letting the intimidating but delectable flavors wash down your palette. You never walk away losing something.

In the past week, I have met more strangers than friends, I have had my entire life. This experience has awakened a new type of hunger, a hunger to give strangers a chance, a hunger to take risks with my heart. I have also learned that though a first impression sticks, people are dynamic and therefore are perceptions. They are always subject to change, so let people evolve into their true selves and this happens only with time. People are still figuring themselves out and in that process of communicative exchange, the lines between stranger and friend are blurred. They become people. People pregnant with stories and life-changing experiences. And who doesn’t like to be part of such a magnificent unfolding?

So next time you meet a stranger, you know what to do.

Picture Credits: Pexels

Sunlight and Moonlight 2

Connected with the sky

13th June 2019:
I think the unbelief and numbness is wearing off and yesterday for the first time, realisation hit and deep inside I knew I was happy. I had such a surreal experience when my friend and I decided to go up to the terrace and take in the view. We were not mentally prepared for the grandeur of the dark skies, with hazy clouds skimming past it like children going on their first school outing. The moon was shy, discreetly glowing behind the veil of the white cotton balls. I don’t know if it is just the height of the building, but the realm of emotions that cascaded my body is really hard to articulate.

I stood against the parapet wall staring, not vacantly but experientially, almost feeling one, taking in the winds of universal freedom. The cool wind raged against me like a cold water splash, reminding me of the opportunity the stars have granted me. Standing there playing my favourite music, drinking in the sky like a glass of deep nectar. I was completely in tune with myself. The self I had a has brought me here. The self I want to be. And most of all the self I was at that moment. And that night I slept well, like a baby wrapped in the blanket of night.

I am heading out to college in a bit and I am excited to see what the day brings me. I know there will overwhelming moments, educative moments, emotional moments, inspirational moments but if that moment forces me to evolve and become a better version of myself, then I’m all up for it.

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The morning after the rough night

14th June, 2019:
I haven’t felt this rested for a long time and I feel like a butterfly soaring in fields of green. However romanticised that sounds, it’s a feeling worth experiencing. Most nights, especially when you are awake, tossing and turning in bed feels like the unhurried crawl of a snail travelling painfully slow. And last night was a night like that. I came back home, half walking, half running in an attempt to hit the bed, before my migraine bursts into flame.

It started with a bout of yawning in class, coupled with dehydration and I remember falling asleep for 15 minutes in class. I woke up with feeble pounding like a weak pulse that made sure its presence was not just known but felt. Eventually, after I kept ignoring it, it decided to test me further. The best way I can explain how a migraine feels for me personally is by a small analogy. Imagine that your standing in a white spacious room, this is your brain at normalcy.

Then imagine that the room being fitted with high-quality speakers with intense bass from head to toe. Sounds pretty fun at this point? Then imagine the walls being compressed to such an extent your arms start hurting from the pressure. Imagine there is no space to even turn your head and you have to try extra hard to breathe. Then imagine the speakers all around you, being cranked up even louder till you want to scream and yell. That’s how the pounding feels like.

It doesn’t stop there. Imagine having your eyes forced open and colourful flashy strobe lights are being flashed all over your face. That’s how light perception feels. And that’s why the darkness is your best friend. Coupled with that, imagine that your cramped little room with pulsating music and intense light is suddenly being towed away. The road is rocky and as you’re being tossed to and fro, hitting your head against the metal. That’s nausea for you. Then imagine people, even loved ones trying to engage in conversation with you and it sounds like swarms of grating echoes. That my friend is what it feels like when a migraine knocks on your front door.

Talking about the above is not an attempt to extract pity, maybe empathy. But only when you have nights like this will you be able to appreciate the pleasant airy morning that soon follows. I now appreciate the little things in life. Like the window right in front of my desk that opens out to a bustling street. I appreciate the full-length mirror outside my room and helps me love myself. I appreciate the morning calm and yes, even the morning chatter. And most of all I appreciate my loved ones, who haven’t given up on me, even if it seemed like I had given up on them through the rough night. People, I appreciate you and that goes on to you as well, my readers. Never give up on people, cause people are the conduits of love and refreshing.

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I have started this series as an attempt to catalogue my raw emotions whether it is in the colour of liquid morning sunrise or pale translucent moonlight. This diary style approach is an attempt to motivate myself while being true to my real emotions. I have moved out of home for the first time to pursue my education with renewed fervour, and every step is an attempt at adulting. I hope that my readers will be with me every step of the way and I know that I have to grow some horns and be ready for battle. And if this journaling helps someone along the way, I would have done what I sought out to. Change is no respecter of persons, so let’s evolve together.

Picture credits: Pexels

SUNRISE AND MOONLIGHT

11th June, 2019

Moving out for the first time

You won’t believe where I am right now. I am sitting on my laptop in a room that doesn’t resemble my tan walls. These walls are pale yellow like the colour of baked sunlight. My queen size bed is replaced with a single bed leaning against a wall with two plug points. Sockets have suddenly become real important. One for my phone and other for my handy laptop that heaves last breath like sighs.

I have a metal cupboard with just enough space for my 18 salwars that hang like conjoined men outside a bar. I showered in a moss green bathroom and realised that steamy hot water is available even on the other side of the city.

I haven’t written for two days and my hands have been yearning to click at the black keys and watch strings of words magically appear on the screen. I have had a long day and my eyes are heavy with sleep but this is something I cannot compromise on. So I’m just gonna try to write without worrying by airing out the smell of perfectionism.

Today is the day for many firsts. I climbed 9 flights of stairs for the first time. I took a walk to a nearby mall with a new friend for the first time. I am going to spend a night with a roommate for the first time. I woke up at 2:30 am, packed a bag of clothes, booked a cab; and moved out of home for the first time. I am finally doing me for the first time.

I have got a new slate and it’s time to write my story. And when I say my story, I truly mean my story without any external monitoring or rerouting. I finally can chalk out a plan and actually achieve it, because for the first time there is no one in my way. I am adulting and with that comes the responsibility of not laxing but working harder than ever. And that is what I plan to.

Too much has been invested in me to just be average. I am a fire breathing dragon in a pool of house lizards. I need to do this for myself. Competition or not, I have to put my everything and everything is enough to be a world changer. I have embarked on a new journey and greatness shines at the end of the road, and I tread boldly with intention and clarity.

I will leave you for now with a quote that is keeping me motivated at the moment. It is a call that gets my heart beating faster and my blood boiling in the best way. “Work hard in silence. Let your success be the noise”.

And I hope your’e prepared with some earplugs.

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12th June, 2019

Creating my world from scratch

I have woken up one and a half hours before my alarm was set to ring. I forgot about the snooze button, instead was motivated to get up and running. My mind is calm like distilled water plopping drop by drop on a fresh leaf of dawn. I have always been curtailed by invisible boundaries but everything I had to do was impeded by the directives of others. But no, today is my day. This is my world. This is my mind and all I have to do is to actually embrace this new beginning. The light is not hanging in the houses of others, it is blazing in the lamp inside me.

I need to tap into this powerful feeling of independence and hit the road. I know that this good feeling is at the peak now, but when the avalanche of life hits me, I got to hold my ground and climb back up. Climb back up. Slowly. Steadily. Persistently. I will conquer the mountain.

One of the many reasons I am still writing is because I need to pick myself when the hailstones pick up pace. I write because when things aren’t going as planned and by life, I need to remember this moment. This new day when I woke up, grateful for a new slate. I’m in a completely new environment and my writing feels hurdled. But I am gonna start from the basics and get back to the magic that draws words out.

I am a creeper that encounters a new wall and makes it home. I plan to grow unhindered, twirling; creeping densely and making my presence felt. It is not a one day process, and I am going to give myself a chance to be consistent. To grow everyday, to beat previous records, to take the stairs and beat the elevator. Carpe Diem. And this is for you too.

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