Jan 6th, 2023
I am attempting this cycle of journaling once again. You might ask me how do you know if it will stick this time. I don’t.
But what I know is that I have lost myself. I can no longer separate my thoughts, wants and perceptions from the others. I have become a deeply warmed sponge cake just intermittently soaking in the syrup of other people’s voices and opinions. It’s getting unhealthy for me. Whether is it is love, validation, direction, life plans.
I cannot hear my own voice and that is a very unsettling feeling. All I have are constant intense feelings that are waiting to be shaken and decanted. My therapist jokingly calls my brain, “Khichdi” that needs to be separated to find the kernels of rice, the dal, and the spices. I am one catastrophic mess.
I keep wondering when and where did I lose myself again, especially when I had put in the work to be more integrated person. There used to be a point where I cared about my needs and it was first priority. I had abandoned the molds of the crowd and listened to myself. I am not just desperate; I am scared because as an adult you realize the onus lies completely on you. So my word for this year has to be accountability.
Understanding that life is life but you have to understand that you are indirectly where you have put yourself. That is a completely hard pill to swallow because suddenly the blame game has to shift to self-reflection. And especially when your brain is khichdi, you rather run to something or someone else. But how long can I keep running before it catches up?
I have no choice but to stop
I have no choice but to breathe
I have no choice but to write.
The Creative Ninja speaks 