Real Girl Diaries | Ep 1

Jan 6^th, 2023

Capturing the realness behind new beginnings

I am attempting this cycle of journaling once again. You might ask me how do you know if it will stick this time. I don’t.

But what I know is that I have lost myself. I can no longer separate my thoughts, wants and perceptions from the others. I have become a deeply warmed sponge cake just intermittently soaking in the syrup of other people’s voices and opinions. It’s getting unhealthy for me. Whether is it is love, validation, direction, life plans.

I cannot hear my own voice and that is a very unsettling feeling. All I have are constant intense feelings that are waiting to be shaken and decanted. My therapist jokingly calls my brain, “Khichdi” that needs to be separated to find the kernels of rice, the dal, and the spices. I am one catastrophic mess.

I keep wondering when and where did I lose myself again, especially when I had put in the work to be more integrated person. There used to be a point where I cared about my needs and it was first priority. I had abandoned the molds of the crowd and listened to myself. I am not just desperate; I am scared because as an adult you realize the onus lies completely on you. So my word for this year has to be accountability.

Understanding that life is life but you have to understand that you are indirectly where you have put yourself. That is a completely hard pill to swallow because suddenly the blame game has to shift to self-reflection. And especially when your brain is khichdi, you rather run to something or someone else. But how long can I keep running before it catches up?

I have no choice but to stop

I have no choice but to breathe

I have no choice but to write.

Sunlight and Moonlight 5

The search for the paramount

I haven’t blogged for a day and that is primarily because of two reasons. Firstly, the weekends mean that I get to travel back home and cuddle in my warm bed. Secondly, I didn’t get to cuddle in bed because of an assignment I had to complete before the 12 am deadline. I always ask myself, “Why do people procrastinate until the very end?”. The actual question is why do I find this need to postpone everything to the last minute. The corporal we is an attempt to make me feel like procrastination is a system rather than a personal choice.  Reflectively, the truth is that I have always been a last-minute person, who assures herself that she produces good work only at the fag end. To be even more truthful, I only seem to produce any work at the eleventh hour. 

Today seems like a good day to examine the thought process that makes me wait until the last minute. I almost feel like a suicide bomber who pushes the detonate button and escapes by the skin of his teeth. Two weeks before the deadline, all I have is a remote idea of the assignments piled in my student login page. One week before the deadline, I go through the topic and read through the rubrics. Five days before the deadline, I open a google document and type the heading of the paper and head back to sleep. Four days before the assignment, I lazily scroll through various journals to identify papers that could possibly be useful. I realise there is nothing relevant and jump into bed. Three days left, and the guilt prods my shoulder like a dark shadow and I am suddenly able to find articles that can be used. Two days left, I open a running page with possible sources and relevant citations. One day left and I am the most productive. I have devised a strategy to just start getting words on the document, no matter what. . 2 minutes before the deadline, I have submitted it. 87% proud of myself.

The fallacy of work-life balance

And this is just my first assignment, I have at least 10 down the corner. The concept of work-life balance immediately tries to wave a red flag in my face. There was this TED x talk that I recently watched where Micheal Walters spoke about the fallacy of work-life balance. He pointed out how ultimately work and life cannot be separated and both the spheres are interdependent on each other. This makes sense. For example, if you lose your job, does it affect your life? You have to cut costs, change social circles and explore new options. In the same vein, if you have a kid, does it affect your work in any way? Therefore Walters warned against viewing work as a separate daunting entity, sucking our life away. Rather viewing work as this small inseparable part inside a larger construct called life definitely gives us a more positive perspective. Therefore we approach every work or life-related decision responsibly as a possible step to towards progress rather than as a problem. 

 This is something I seek to apply in my life. The edges between work and life are blurring in my mind and I just want to keep the ball rolling towards greater things. Life encompasses many good things such as people, music, memories and even if work seems challenging, in retrospect it can be good if consistently slain. I just have 2 years to work hard and I am going to throw myself in work so that life will thank me later. Today is my first choir performance in college and the goosebumps prove that this is something special. Almost 150 voices blending in differentiated unison, soaring, falling, gliding in harmonious tones, makes me feel that the time commitment is almost worth it.

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I have started this series as an attempt to catalogue my raw emotions whether it is in the colour of liquid morning sunrise or pale translucent moonlight. This diary-style approach is an attempt to motivate myself while being true to my real emotions. I have moved out of home for the first time to pursue my education with renewed fervour, and every step is an attempt at adulting. I hope that my readers will be with me every step of the way and I know that I have to grow some horns and be ready for battle. And if this journaling helps someone along the way, I would have done what I sought out to. Change is no respecter of persons, so let’s evolve together.

Picture credits: Pexels